May 20, 2024

If you’ve ever wanted to share a cup of steaming Rudy with your favorite second cousin, now you can. Rudy Giuliani—once dubbed “America’s Mayor” and now bankrupt and embroiled in lawsuits—has gone the way of seemingly all right-wing grifters: hocking a personally-branded line of coffee.

“I’ve moved at a fast pace, and have had many different roles in life,” a quote attributed to the perennially sued former mayor reads. “But the one constant thing has been a good cup of coffee, which is now proven to have health benefits,” the quote reads, because it wouldn’t be a proper conservative grift without fantastically vague claims of “health benefits.”

Offering three varieties of beans to avoid debtors prison—“bold,” decaf, and “morning”—the two-pound bags all named “Rudy” with Giuliani’s face prominently displayed sell for $29.99 a pop. According to Whoxy, a domain registrar lookup tool, Giuliani’s coffee site was registered March 26, just two days before telling a judge he can’t sell his $3.5 million condo because he needs it for his main grift: podcasting.

Strapped for cash and hoping to percolate some excitement for his desperate new venture, Giuliani is offering the first 100 orders the opportunity to snag an AI-designed bag signed by the Mussolini of Manhattan himself.

Conservative figures—not including tax, shipping, or cost of the product and branding— estimate Giuliani would need to sell 4,934,978.33 bags of “Rudy” to square up with the $148 million judgment against him stemming from baseless claims he made against two Georgia poll workers in 2020. That doesn’t include any of his other legal fees or pending civil cases against him. For those, he’ll need a hope and a prayer. Or he’ll start selling Rudy-themed Bibles.